Caluculator Confessions

I feel like a total mute, hypocrit. Ive never been good with expressing my emotions so what would he want from me!?
I promised myself.. I FUCKING PROMISED that i wouldn't fall or be have "cloudy eyes" for anyone. I guess I thought that i had the power to do it. I thought i had seen it all and experienced and was able to avoid it. But now Im stuck hogging the computer staying up late, scribbling in a book recording my ways in attempt to one day look back and maybe if i write it down and get out of my head it'll stay out and not come back.
Today i found myself writing the following:
i dont know why my mind keeps wandering, wondering what he is doing, how everything felt different when he was still around in the sense they were bearable times, and if i ever cross his mind in a truly honest unselfish way.


and the worst part about that is that i was typing it on a gift from the person who actually wants me and gives me the time. Who gives me so much and im just completely unable to respond, i wouldnt know how too!
Plus, he doesn't want me. Im no good. I dont even want myself.

Ive been thinking about when the one that has made me find this dark spots and realize this sadness(?) finally does leave my life i will probably then know how it is to be disattached.

I hope that it will pass but until it does, i think im going to practice the ways of being a "loner" lol
haa i wish.
All this has just helped me see things in a different light, a darker light, a dim illumination with drastic UV rays of emotion.. so much so my heart hurts.. or something in that area. No joke.
haa im getting old, quick. && i havent seen much other than this.

Im doing it for myself.. promise =]
on the inside im going to be living by this title [Me Myself and I]

Me myself and I - Beyounce
ALL THE LADIES IF U FEEL ME HELP ME SING IT OUT......

(MAN TALKING)

(VERSE 1)
I CANT BELIVE I BELIEVED
EVERYTHING WE HAD WOULD LAST
SO YOUNG AND NAIVE FOR ME TO THINK
SHE WAS FROM YOUR PAST
SILLY OF ME TO DREAM OF
ONE DAY HAVING YOUR KIDS
LOVE IS SO BLIND
IT FEELS RIGHT WHEN ITS WRONG

I CANT BELIEVE I FELL FOR YOUR SCHEMES
I'M SMARTER THAN THAT
SO DUMB AND NAIVE TO BELIEVE THAT
WITH ME YOU'RE A CHANGED MAN
FOOLISH OF ME TO COMPETE
WHEN YOU CHEAT WITH LOOSE WOMEN
IT TOOK ME SOME TIME BUT NOW I'VE MOVED ON, BECAUSE I REALIZED I GOT…

(CHORUS) Harmonized

ME, MYSELF AND I
THAT'S ALL I GOT IN THE END
THAT'S WHAT I FOUND OUT
AND IT AINT NO NEED TO CRY
I TOOK A VOW THAT FROM NOW ON
I'M GON'NA BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND

ME, MYSELF AND I
THATS ALL I GOT IN THE END
THATS WHAT I FOUND OUT
AND IT AINT NO NEED TO CRY
I TOOK A VOW THAT FROM NOW ON
I'M GON'NA BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND

(VERSE 2)
CONTROLLING, YOU SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME
BUT YOU DONT
YOUR FAMILY TOLD ME ONE DAY
I WOULD SEE IT ON MY OWN
NEXT THING I KNOW I'M DEALING
WITH YOUR THREE KIDS IN MY HOME
LOVE IS SO BLIND IT FEELS RIGHT WHEN ITS WRONG

NOW THAT ITS OVER
STOP CALLING ME
COME PICK UP YO CLOTHING
NO NEED TO FRONT LIKE YA STILL WIT ME
ALL YOUR HOMIES KNOW
EVEN YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND
TRIED TO WARN ME ON THE LOW
IT TOOK ME SOME TIME
BUT NOW I AM STRONG, BECAUSE I REALIED I'VE GOT……

REPEAT CHORUS



BRIDGE (BROKEN IN TWO PARTS)

I GOT ME, MYSELF AND I
I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER DISAPOINT MYSELF
My eyes HAVE CRIED A THOUSAND TIMES
ALL THE LADIES IF YOU FEEL ME HELP ME SING IT OUT
I CAN'T REGRET TIME SPENT WITH YOU
YEAH YOU HURT ME BUT I LEARNED A LOT ALONG THE WAY
IT'S HOW I LEARNED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
AFTER ALL THE RAIN YOU SEE THE SUN COME OUT AGAIN

NOW I'VE GOT ME, MYSELF AND I
YEAH, I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER DISAPOINT MYSELF
My eyes HAVE CRIED A THOUSAND TIMES
I'VE CRIED, ALL THE LADIES IF YOU FEEL ME HELP ME SING IT OUT
I CAN'T REGRET TIME SPENT WITH YOU
YEAH YOU HURT ME BUT I LEARNED A LOT ALONG THE WAY
IT'S HOW I LEARNED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
AFTER ALL THE RAIN YOU'LL SEE THE SUN COME OUT AGAIN, YEAH-AH-EE

(OH OH OH OOH OOH OOOH OOOH OOOOH OOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOOH OOOOOOH UHOOO UHOOO YEAH AH)

I GOT ME, MYSELF AND I
ME, MYSELF AND I
MY eyes HAVE CRIED A THOUSAND TIMES
I HAVE CRIED SO MANY TIMES
I CAN'T REGRET TIME SPENT WITH YOU
I CAN'T REGRET TIME SPENT WITH YOU
IT'S HOW I LEARNED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
AFTER ALL THE RAIN YOU'LL SEE THE SUN COME OUT AGAIN!

I GOT ME, MYSELF AND I
I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER DISAPOINT MYSELF
MY eyes HAVE CRIED A THOUSAND TIMES
IF YOU'VE CRY A THOUSAND TIMES, LADIES YOU WILL SURVIVE
I CAN'T REGRET TIME SPENT WITH YOU
YEAH YOU HURT ME BUT I LEARNED A LOT ALONG THE WAY
IT'S HOW I LEARNED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
I CAN SEE THE SUN SHINE, I'VE GOT ME, MYSELF AND I


but i soon hope to like this on the outside.[Diva]

Diva - Beyoncé
I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva

I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a

Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla
Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla

Stop the track, let me state facts
I told you give me a minute and I'll be right back
Fifty million round the world
And they said that I couldn't get it

I done got so sick and filthy with Benji's, I can't spend
How you gone be talkin' shit?
You act like I just got up in it
Been the number one diva in this game for a minute

I know you read the paper
The one that they call a queen
Every radio round the world know me
'Cause that's where I be

I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva

I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a

Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla
Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla

When he pull up, wanna pop my hood up
Bet he better have a six pack in the cooler
Getting money, divas getting money
If you ain't getting money then you ain't got nothing for me

Tell me somethin' where your boss at?
Where my ladies up in there that like to talk back
I wanna see ya, I'd like to meet cha
What you said, she ain't no diva

Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla
Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla

Since fifteen in my stilettos been struttin' in this game
What's your age? Was the question they asked when I hit the stage
I'm a diva, best believe her, you see her, she getting paid
She ain't callin' him to greet her, don't need him, her bed's made

This is a stick up, stick up
I need them bags, uh, that money
A stick up, stick up
You see them ask, where that money?

All my ladies get it up
I see you, I do the same
Take it to another level
No passengers on my plane

I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey
I'm a, I'm a, a diva

This is a stick, up stick up
I need them bags, uh, that money
Stick up, stick up
You see them ask where that money

Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla
Na, na, na, diva is a female version of a hustla
Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla

I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva

I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva
I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey


&& Gina suggested this song for me:
--from how shes seen me over the months--

Never Ever - Ciara
(Young Jeezy & Pow La Don)
Throw yo' hands up in the air
If ya know he love ya
Tell the DJ play this song right here
If ya know he love ya
Let, let, let, let me see you 2-step
If ya know he love ya
It don't matter if you by yourself
If ya know he love ya

(Ciara)
If that boy don't love you by now
He will never ever, never ever love you
He will never ever, never ever love you
If that boy don't love you by now
He will never ever, never ever love you
He will never ever, never ever love you

I know you think that I just be trippin' on ya
Boy you see, this ain't how I normally be
But I can't help this jealousy
Ooh it's taking over me, ooh I'm falling way to deep
Without you by my side I feel like I can't eat or sleep

But I, got to come down to earth, I don't wanna
But I, gotta let you go, but baby I dont wanna
And I, I gotta see, that you and me, ain't meant to be
That's why I tell myself

If that boy don't love you by now
He will never ever, never ever love you
He will never ever, never ever love you
If that boy don't love you by now
He will never ever, never ever love you
He will never ever, never ever love you

Baby, I can't help but fantasize
Wondering what it might be like
You and I sound so right
But I'mma let it go tonight, it ain't nothin'
Coverin' my eyes
Ain't gonna see it more than twice
I get it, I got it
Baby, baby

But I, got to come down to earth, I don't wanna
But I, gotta let you go, but baby I dont wanna
And I, I gotta see, that you and me, ain't meant to be
That's why I tell myself

If that boy don't love you by now
He will never ever, never ever love you
He will never ever, never ever love you
If that boy don't love you by now
He will never ever, never ever love you
He will never ever, never ever love you

(Young Jeezy)
Alright, alright, alright, okay...
I see ya point, I must admit
I grind, I grind, I grind all day
This paper's what I'm trynna get
Now normally when I'm paper chasing, I be having tunnel vision
And if it's really like that lady, just turn on ya television
And there go Young, I said there go Young, you trynna get it did
Just know I gets it done, she love the way I cheat
She love the way I move, I sha, I show it to her
Shows about 100, goon
Its blacks this, black that
Black car, black flags
I really hope that's money that ya'll got off in them black bags
808's & heartbreak, states who puts in interstates
Giving me a bad vibe, guess I'm just a bad guy

(Ciara)
Throw yo' hands up in the air
If ya know he love ya
Tell the DJ play this song right here
If ya know he love ya
Let, let, let, let me see you 2-step
If ya know he love ya
It don't matter if you by yourself
If ya know he love ya