& I know she loves me;Shes loves everybody.

Its going to be a busy week ahead of me.
Its March first today and my menstrual cycle for February has passed. (YEAH ILL ADVERTISE VIA BLOGSPOT)-haha-

Right now im suppose to be studying some Anatomy &Phsyology stuff and i promise i shall get around to it! &&then read over some English notes i took for the different parts of the hspa section. stop rushing me!

Last night i was feeling terrible and i wasn't sure if it was because how a certain someone had not called me and we parted on kind of confusing, possibly misunderstood terms. Or how i felt so foolish how i ended a conversation Friday night with another person via aim, i was just so embarassed and manage to do it twice in one day.
Then there was the whole dillema where i tried to open to Sangina about what it was that was bothering me, we tried figuring me out.
What came out of that was the understanding that I simply dont respect or love myself enough to want or be willing to let others in.

I know who/what i want. And i know who i have available and what i could get but i want who i want although they dont offer much and probably dont want me.
I know im doing emotionally better from the last time i was hung up on this. 1/29/09

On top of all that insecurity and just internal drama there is my teen angst of feeling so unfufilled at age 17. Makes me kind of amused thinking like this but im seventeen and i haven't done anything i am proud or remorseful about. I feel as if ive been 13 for a while living at the rate of 55 year old. Everything in moderation.
WHY DO i need moderation. I want to abuse things, i want to have the door to my house swing open and close when i want it to. I want to be trusted, I have never given any reason not too.

Gina concluded that i need to stop planning and take things slow. I remembered how when i was 5 and before i started kindergarden i had this whole thing in my head mapped out. the way i wanted to look, the kind of title i wanted in school, how i would never touch a ciggarette, never curse, how beautiful my hair would look.
&& since i was 5 things have changed and something i can say that i have at least learned is that nothing ever works out how you see it in your head.

The conversation ended when me and sangina almost got into an arguement about how i should stop comparing my life to the kids around me and i contradicted her.

In the end i guess i learned i have to keep looking forward but not over the hill. Keep plans at a steady pace open for disapointment. Im sure ill get something out of it.
But i also want to have freedom and the ability to spend time with my family everyday and have 1 day a week with people other than those that see me everyday.
I want to blossom and feel accepted and i know that being around my family 24/7 isn't getting me that. I told sangina how it scares me, how im counting the days till I turn 18. I dont want to do that i dont want to have to use the excuse that im 18 and im free. i WANT to know im free and not get sick of my parents. i want them for guidance when asked and not clinging on me with expectations because I know i will disapoint them.